Dreaded Feeling
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: Sebastian decides to take a break from his service as Ciel Phantomhive's butler, just long enough to try and rid himself of an unwanted feeling. Only he doesn't expect the changes and feelings that await him at his return nearly a year later.
1. Chapter 1

Sebastian stood beside the bed of his master, the master he had dedicated these years to serving. This mere weak mortal boy he had watched grow from a child to nearly an adult. He looked at the sixteen year old boy's sleeping face, he only looked peaceful in these moments; these moments were fleeting. A common urge came over the demon, an urge to caress his master's cheek, to feel his warm skin. He longed to hold him, to hold his master in his arms. Their contract was still there, keeping him strongly bonded to this mere human; yet over time things had changed. The blood shed came less and less, there were less targets of the young man's revenge. The demon had to confess he was mildly bored not having much to do with his time other than the chores of a common servant, this was not what he had been summoned to the mortal world for. He had been summoned as a sword, a shield, and a weapon for this man; for this man who had just a few years ago been a frightened child locked inside of a cage waiting to be freed. He was so far from freedom, it was nearly funny how humans worked; they craved the feeling of freedom and somehow by making Faustian contracts with demons they felt they were achieving this longed for freedom. In the beginning he had considered turning down Ciel Phantomhive's offer, such a young boy to make such a drastic sacrifice; all in the name of revenge. In the beginning Sebastian had despised the boy, despised his smug attitude, his coldness, and his pure arrogance. Over time he learned to tolerate it, tolerance turned to enjoyment, and well...

He longed to run his fingers through the younger man's hair. He longed for him, but he could never have him; yes the demon had grown bored with time, that was not the reason he needed to depart though. There had always been something deep within himself; something he hadn't felt for many years now, a feeling he had not missed in the least. A feeling only this damned mortal could bring him, so many times through the years had he felt this for his young master. So many years he hid the feeling he despised behind shields of cruelty and sarcastic remarks, distancing was a way to kill a feeling such as this one. So wrong was he to believe such a foolish mortal lie, a lie brought on by a cruel mortal feeling. These recent days of boredom allowed this feeling to fully blossom to the point he feared he could not keep it hidden for much longer.

There was no way to break their contract and he would never dream of doing such a moronic thing. Yet he couldn't stay here, not for now; he needed time away from his master, he needed time to try and forget about this foolish and damned feeling. To forget this damned aching in his chest and the lustful longing thoughts plaguing his mind during his days filled with nearly nothing to do other than to play butler.

He longed for this mortal man, oh what a dangerous game to play; such a one sided game, purely one sided. To love a human, to love a soul he was meant to devour, and oh how he meant to keep that promise. He would devour Ciel Phantomhive's soul, but the time was not here yet; he wasn't ready to call it not just yet, he wondered just how much misery he could bring upon his master and himself by prolonging this dance.

"Oh what you have done to me, a foolish mortal tricking a demon into loving him." Sebastian whispered.

The younger man didn't even stir, he remained deeply asleep. He had grown to be such a beautiful man, he looked so near like the paintings Sebastian had seen of Vincent the previous head of the household. He wondered if to some extent it pained Ciel to look in the mirror and realize he resembled his deceased father so strongly, pained him as much as it pained the demon to look at him every day and to realize how truly he loved him.

A demon loving a human, what a foolish turn of events this was.

He would leave, he wasn't sure for how long, but he would return. He would not return if Ciel called for him, no matter how much the mortal man begged; Sebastian would only return when he felt the time was right. He knew this stretched the limits of their contract, but it wouldn't be the first time he'd leave his master all alone.

"Foolish" He whispered chastising himself.

With one last look at his master he turned and left the room. He left the manor in silence, fading into the darkness of the night. Yes he would return, but only when he felt he conquered this dreaded feeling.


	2. Chapter 2

A year had passed since he had departed, a year away from his master; an entire year away from the man he had created a contract with. No being could comprehend the pain that this year had caused him; at first it hadn't been too difficult to be so far away from his master. The seal placed upon his hand had not caused him much pain at first, only a minor tingling sensation. He knew the young man was calling for him, probably wandering around the estate angrily yelling out the demon's name. He had felt a hint of amusement in picturing his master so frustrated and annoyed, but still sadness came when he thought about being away from the man. The tingling had ceased leaving him once more feeling empty; the time that he felt nothing was the time he had gotten to try and distance himself emotionally. He had gone as far away as the contract would allow him to go, there really was very little for a demon bounded by chains to do when left to his own devices. He thought about the years he had lived, he had existed since the beginning of time; he had been one of the first to be cast from Heaven's beautiful grace. He had fought in battles, in wars, he had slaughtered masses for his own pleasure, and somehow he had ended here. This was the second time in his existence that a mortal being had brought him to his knees, he allowed himself many moments in that year to ponder about her. He would close his eyes and picture her beautiful face, her smile, her sad looking eyes, and do his very best to remember the feel of her warm body pressed against him. Oh how he had loved her...Oh how badly it had hurt him to find her lying there in that pool of blood; demons could feel, they simply chose not to, and for countless reasons.

The year had been difficult; many times he had considered caving in and going back to the mansion. Yes he knew the wrath that awaited him behind those gates, but he'd welcome it gladly just to be around Ciel again. Every time that his hand tingled or burned he urged to run back to the estate or to where ever his master was calling him, he urged to run to his side, and rescue him. He had the dumbest of thoughts that if he kept on ignoring the young man's desperate cries for help then he'd grow cold again. Maybe the flame burning in his chest would extinguish itself all over again, turn back to a block of ice settled in the depths of his chest. Each time the seal burned he felt the aching in his chest, until one night it burned to the point that he could hardly tolerate it. He had never felt the marking of their contract burn the way that it burned on that night, as fast and heavy as the pain had arrived it vanished just as fast. He was left feeling confused and worried, he wished that he had raced to his master's side that night. Instead he cradled his throbbing hand against his chest and pretended that he had never heard Ciel's pained call.

One year had passed, near the end of that year there were no more calls. No more calls after that last painful one; that was the reason he had to return to Phantomhive manor, because a pain in his chest and a morbid memory in his mind told him that he had to return to his old home and to the man he longed for.

That was why he now stood at the gates of the manor, running his fingers absentmindedly over the top of the hand with the seal placed upon it. He feared what he could find inside of the mansion, he feared so many things, because he knew whatever negative facts he discovered would be his doing. Any bad things that had taken place in the past year were his fault, because he had to be selfish and ignore the desperate calls of help from his master, from the man that he longed to hold and to love.

Demons could feel, they could love, they could hurt, and they could cry; they were after all creatures that at one time had been angels, creatures graced in beauty and light who had been cast from Heaven because of their unholy desires and longing for freedom and destruction. Demons could feel, but that didn't mean that they wanted to.

Sebastian Michaelis could feel even though he was far from wanting to.


	3. Chapter 3

He wasn't surprised to find that the inside of the manor had not changed in the slightest, almost like it had not been touched by time. He knew quite well that he had only been absent for a year's time, but it felt like so much longer. He spotted the house maid Mei-Rin busying herself with cleaning the hardwood floors, she looked so frantic and out of sorts just like she always had; normally the sight of the maid annoyed him, but after so long it was a welcomed sight to see something so normal, familiar. At the sound of footsteps the red haired woman stopped her cleaning to see who had entered the mansion, when she spotted Sebastian she dropped the mop to the floor and scurried over to the demon. She tripped and nearly fell twice on her way over to the black haired man, he grabbed her by the shoulders to keep her from falling on her face; the mild blush on her cheeks didn't go unnoticed by the demon.

"Mr. Sebastian w-what are you doing here?" She asked as she pulled away from the demon's grip.

"I still work here, do I not?" He asked doing his best to sound casual, like he hadn't been absent for a year.

He glanced around the spacious room as if he were bored, but if anything he was far from that; his mind was on his master and his condition.

"Y-yes, bu-but you disappeared and we thoug-thought you had quit. The young master was really conc-concerned."

He raised an eyebrow at that, he had felt the young man's calls, but on some level it was hard to imagine the man truly had missed him.

"You and the other servants did look after him though, did you not?" He asked curiously.

She looked nervous, she began nodding her head.

"Y-yes of course sir, we did our best to watch after the young master, bu-but he always asked for you. He-he'd tell us to leave him be and he'd have awful nigh-nightmares and then..." She trailed off and looked back over her shoulder as if checking to make sure nobody was listening in on their conversation.

"Then what?" He asked prompting her to continue on, his patience was short but he wouldn't snap at the young woman.

She turned her attention back to him, when she spoke her voice was nearing a whisper.

"There t-here was an incident not too long ago."

Sebastian remembered the searing pain in his hand, the intensity of Ciel calling for him; calling for the demon to rush to his aid. He'd been correct, something had happened and he desperately wanted the maid to just tell him instead of stalling in this fashion.

"What happened?" He asked trying to sound as calm as he possibly could.

"He went into town by himself, he sai-said he needed to be alone to think."

He felt irritated that they had actually allowed Ciel to go out alone; even if he was now near being a grown man he was still physically weak and quite stubborn. If he had been here he never would have let the younger man go out alone, but he hadn't been here and if he had been then Ciel wouldn't have had a reason to go out.

"Tell me what happened, is he alright?"

Again the young woman looked behind her as if expecting somebody to enter the room.

"He was con-confronted by a man from another company, a failed one apparently. I gu-guess he blames the master for losing his business, th-the man cornered the young master an-and well he stabbed him and left him there. Wh-when somebody found him and re-realized who he was they said he just kept muttering your na-name."

He felt a pain in his chest; apparently the distance hadn't numbed his heart, it had only caused feeling to become more painful. He was angry Ciel had gone out on his own, angry the servants had let him do such a stupid thing, angry at the man for attacking the young master, and most angry with himself for leaving. If only he had rushed to Ciel's side when the incident had taken place instead of allowing the younger man to lie there on the streets left to bleed to death. The image caused the pain to increase, the image of the man he loved lying there on the streets bleeding while whispering his name begging for him to come and relieve the pain.

"Is he here?"

"He's up in his study, he-he's better now, bu-"

A door slammed open catching the attention of both demon and maid, they looked in the direction of the noise to see Bard come into the room his eyes full of rage, body tensed, and his eyes set on Sebastian. The demon had never had a great relationship with the cook; a thick headed American who knew nothing of calm or patience, but he was loyal and that was why he had never had much trust in Sebastian's loyalty.

"You, how dare you of all people come back here. You damned bastard, what do ya think you're doing here huh?"

He was standing right in front of the black haired man, he expected and almost wanted Bard to punch him.

"I live here, do I not?"

"Smart ass, do you know what hell you put that guy through?"

Sebastian didn't respond, he merely allowed the mortal man to continue his yelling.

"Hes been miserable ever since you ran off, you shouldn't even be showing your face right now. He never really said nothing or showed it, but I could tell he missed you and then he nearly got killed and the first thing he ask for when he wakes up is you. Do you even care, do you?"

"He is my master, of course I am concerned."

The blonde haired man hauled his fist back preparing to hit Sebastian, Mei-Rin grabbed hold of his arm gently urging him to calm down.

"Pl-please calm down, I know you're upset." She whispered trying to calm the man.

He visibly relaxed, but his eyes were still fixed upon Sebastian.

"Hopefully he fires you."

With that Bard and Mei-Rin turned and left the room leaving Sebastian alone.

They didn't need to know how miserable he had been away from this place, away from the human who made him feel love. He didn't mind having Bard yell at him and threaten him, but he knew having the young master treat him cruelly would be something near impossible to stand. He took his time going up to the study; he wondered just how much the younger man had changed, how much more beautiful he had become, and just how badly he was injured from his scrap with the failed businessman. There was an urge to rush to the room, to be by his master's side once again, but he felt uneasy about the pain and anger that awaited him behind the door. It would be a very long time until things could return to normal if they even could and he knew that, just like he knew that some day the contract would come to a close like it should have many years ago. Greedy men like Ciel Phantomhive never ran short of enemies though, so maybe his revenge would never be settled; his rage would never ease into a state of peace.

Sebastian stood outside of the study, he stared at the door that in this moment seemed intimidating; he wondered if this was something like the feeling of fear humans damned to Hell felt.

He slowly opened the door and stepped inside of the room; at the desk sat his young master. His head was slightly bowed as he focused on the stacks of papers scattered across the surface of the desk. His hand ran back through his slightly long deep blue colored hair that appeared to need trimmed, his clothing was a bit messed as if he'd dressed himself. Upon hearing the door open he glanced up to see who came to disturb him when he had ordered everyone to give him his space. His eye widened when he saw Sebastian standing at the entrance of the room.

"Se-Sebastian?" His voice was weak, just barely a whisper.

The demon gave a bow, his hand placed upon his chest.

"Yes my Lord"

He stood up straight again, the blue eyed man stood to his feet; he slammed his hands down on the top of the desk.

"Where in Hell have you been?"

The shock was gone now replaced by a more than evident anger.

"Away my Lord." He answered simply.

Ciel hit his fist against the desk.

"Don't play sly with me Sebastian, you disappeared for an entire year. Answer me!"

"I just needed some time away, but I've returned unless of course you don't wish for me to be here any longer."

Past the anger he could see the fear, he wondered if some part of the mortal man wanted to embrace him just as badly as he wanted to embrace the mortal.

"I called for you, why didn't you come?" He asked stepping from behind the desk.

It wasn't until he was standing before the butler that Sebastian realized that Ciel was nearly as tall as he.

"I most apologize young master."

"I nearly died because of you, you're supposed to be loyal to me; you're my butler, aren't you?"

"Yes my Lord"

"Tell me why you left."

"Do you really wish to know?" He asked giving a small smile.

Ciel smacked him across the face, the hit took him by surprise.

"I order you to answer me."

"I was simply bored"

Another hit, he wasn't surprised by the second one. He knew he deserved to be beaten senseless, but he also knew that was something the younger man would never do.

"Bored, are you still bored or does my agony amuse you?"

"I'm no longer bored my Lord."

"Filthy beast, why did I ever believe such a lowly creature could be loyal."

Ciel winced in pain and grabbed at his left side, Sebastian reached out for him; the blue haired man smacked his hands away and stepped back out of the raven's reach.

"Don't you dare touch me you filthy beast; get out of my sight."

"Where do you wish for me to go master?"

"Do chores, annoy the other servants, or rot in Hell for all that I care. Just leave my sight you filthy animal."

His hateful words stung, the pain etched into his face was nearing unbearable yet he gave another slight bow before exiting the room. It had been what he had expected; he had expected no kindness or forgiveness from his master, that was one of the things that caused him to love the human so dearly; his stubbornness, the way he could cling onto his anger and pain for so long. Sebastian wasn't thrilled at having it aimed in his direction, having the young man hate him so deeply. As he walked the halls of the manor he wondered how long it would be until the young man would begin to forgive him in even the slightest.


	4. Chapter 4

It is a butler's duty to go through the daily routine as normal, even if things are everything except for normal. Sadly unlike the butler his master could not stay with such a routine; when Sebastian entered the younger man's bed chamber he was surprised to see him standing before his full length mirror nearly completely dressed. He sat the tray of tea down on the bedside stand, he stood and watched his master; the blue eyed man made a point to bluntly ignore him even though it was quite obvious that he had noticed the butler's presence.

"Young master, do you not think it is easier for me to dress you?"

Ciel stopped on the last button of his vest, his body tensed.

"I've been doing this for about a year now, I believe I have it under control."

"I swear if you keep doing things for yourself you'll give me no purpose as a butler, at least you're better at it than you were when you were younger." He said smiling a bit.

Once more his master ignored him, he never turned to face him he just continued to stare at his own reflection; it was almost as if the demon's presence caused him pain.

"As far as I'm concerned you have very little purpose in the first place." his voice was bitter, cold

The comment hurt slightly, the hate emanating off of the young man was even more painful. Oh if only he could get him to see, get him to understand why he had to leave. There really was no way to explain, no way without upsetting the blue haired man even further. It was so difficult to explain something so simple to a human that could be quite stubborn and not totally fond of emotions such as love.

"Does that mean you wish for me to quit, my lord?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

Ciel sighed heavily, he turned to face the black haired man; Sebastian noticed for the second time that his master placed his hand over his side absentmindedly rubbing at it as if to ease the pain. Just how badly had he been injured?

"I assumed you had quit when you vanished and did not come when I ordered you, that is against contract isn't it?"

"Yes, but I have returned to you; the decision is all yours my young master."

The younger man laughed and shook his head, the sound of his laughter was something slightly disturbing and it always had been; such a cruel mentally deranged sound it could be.

"Of course I do not wish to break our deal, even if you are nothing more than a mangy animal. You still need to feed do you not? You've worked so hard to feast upon my soul and I don't wish to take that honor away from you even if you are far from worthy. I must admit it's a bit selfish that I still want to keep our contract going, you owe me death, a painful one at that. I refuse to die by any hand that is not yours."

The words took him by surprise, he was pleased to see his master had not changed; if anything he seemed crueler, more hell bent on self destruction. Perhaps his leave of absence had caused things in the manor to change, to become more interesting. True it bothered him to have his master be so cold towards him, to dismiss him so constantly, but he couldn't help but wonder just how much sweeter he would taste now when the time finally came.

"Yes my Lord"

Ciel studied him for a second or two before turning and leaving the room making sure to avoid the demon at all cost.

Sebastian stalled in the room for a moment; he knew better than to follow behind the younger man, in past times he would follow him closely almost like a red eyed shadow. Now though he did not feel worthy enough to follow the younger man so closely; he could only ponder on how long it would be until he could be in Ciel's good graces again. Hell it was possible this game of avoidance and anger could keep up all the way to the day of the young master's death; that was a day Sebastian was in no true hurry to reach. At this point he felt like it would never come; Ciel was always seeking revenge or justice upon some demented old soul, he would never be satisfied and both demon as well as master knew this all too well. He would serve as loyally as he possibly could, even if in the current situation he was barely serving at all; it was odd and slightly depressing how much the demon had missed being needed and demeaned by the younger man. In Hell Sebastian would never endure such treatment, he was near the top of hierarchy; how little the human knew of him, of just how powerful he was in his own realm. Would his master respect him if he knew just how powerful and terrifying the demon truly was or would he merely shrug it off and go about as normal?

He decided he'd given the blue haired man enough time, he left the room closing the door behind him.

Today would be a difficult day; Bard would surely still be angry with him which gave the butler a bit of enjoyment, Finny and Mei-Rin would surely follow him around pestering him about where he had gone and why he would leave so suddenly and for so long. His master would surely ignore him and continue to insult him until the day was done; strangely enough he enjoyed this, he deserved to be hated and to be treated cruelly by those around him mainly his young master. It was difficult to say if it had been the worst or best decision in his time as a butler to leave; in a day or two he'd surely have his answer.


	5. Chapter 5

Yes he had been quite bored and frustrated before he had taken his leave, but upon returning he found in the following days he was twice as bored and three times as frustrated. Each day he would try for his usual routine, the one that had been going on ever since his master was a child, but each time he would be turned away. Each morning he would enter the young man's room to find him already dressed, each night when he would offer to help him bathe his master would turn him away telling him he was damn well old enough to do such things for himself, besides he had learned to do all of these things on his own after Sebastian had abandoned him. He loved to rub that in; every chance he was given he would send cruel words in the demons direction, he could barely even look the butler in the eye anymore. That was where he was frustrated, it had been foolish to leave and he understood that fully; he was ordered to never lie, betray, or to leave the blue eyed man's side. He had come very close to ruining the contract completely by breaking three of the most important rules set between them.

"Sebastian do you have to be in here while I work?" The man snapped as he glared in the demon's direction.

He looked curiously down at the other man who looked at him with so much hatred, he wondered just how pure that hatred was.

"Don't I normally stand by your side my Lord?"

"You're a hypocritical fool and you don't even have mind enough to realize it." He laughed and turned his attention away from the butler and back to his work.

It annoyed him yes, his master had always had a talent for annoying him, but he did have to remind himself that for once his master's frustrations were well placed.

"Exactly for how long do you intend on being angry towards me?" He asked sighing, he was already becoming exhausted with their game.

"Just how long do you believe I should be angry towards you demon?"

That was another thing that annoyed him; the way Ciel mostly referred to him as a demon, beast, monster, or an animal. He missed the days of hearing his name coming from this beautiful man's mouth, it was so rare now.

"I had my reasons my Lord and you have every right to be irritated, but surely you're tiring of this."

He could see his body tense, the younger man pulled his hands into fists hitting them against his desk. He suddenly stood nearly knocking the chair he had been sitting in over, before the butler could comprehend what was happening Ciel's hands were wrapped tightly around his throat. He slammed the demon back against the wall, he couldn't help but widen his eyes in shock at the sudden attack delivered by his master.

"You bastard, is everything a game to you; is my life just a bloody game? Do you even realize how much pain I was in when I was attacked and even before that?" He yelled

So much malice, so much pain; his grip tightened around the demon's throat making him quite grateful that he had little use for oxygen.

"Do you?" He yelled pulling him from the wall then shoving him to the floor.

"I apologize my Lord" He whispered as he stared up at his master.

"Leave, I don't even care if you leave the grounds; just get out of my sight, return by tonight though just so I know you haven't abandoned me again." He said his voice softer now, he seemed to visibly relax now that he released some of his pent up rage.

Sebastian silently stood to his feet and left the room; he went to his own room. There were plenty of chores he needed to tend to in the day and he would get to them, but at the moment he just needed a bit of comfort.

"Come here darling, I've missed you, come on it's alright." He called gently as he kneeled down next to his bed.

He heard a soft cry then a moment later a black kitten poked its head out from under the bed, it's bright green eyes studying it's owner. With another low cry it went up to the black haired man nuzzling its face against his right hand. Sebastian gave a small smile at the tiny animal, the way it purred, and how much it enjoyed seeing him again. Only if his master could forgive so easily.


	6. Chapter 6

He had been called to Ciel's room; it was the first time that he had felt the contract placed upon his hand do so much as even tingle since returning to the manor. Unlike the times before he rushed to the younger man's side, even if he was being summoned for some miniscule task or form of entertainment he didn't mind it; he didn't question why he was being called so late in the night. He just wished to show his master that he was ready to be by his side at any given moment. Upon entering the nearly dark room he noticed the blue eyed man sitting on his bed already in his night gown, he smirked when the demon entered the room closing the door behind him.

"You actually came, funny"

"You did summon me my lord."

The younger man laughed and shook his head.

"That didn't make you come running the last time that I summoned you, come sit on the bed with me." He said waving the older man over.

Sebastian stood still silently questioning the odd request, another amused smirk curled the younger man's lips.

"Do you wish for me to make that an order, I swear beast you're so much more stubborn now."

Wordlessly he went to the bed sitting down next to the other man. This was the closest he'd been to him since the day his master had hit him; since that event the distance had been greater.

"What happened to you while I was absent?" Sebastian asked curiously, he just barely looked in the other man's direction.

"What does it matter to you?"

"I'm curious"

Ciel turned to face him.

"Curious, now you're curious; you used to call me complicated and stubborn, but lately you seem to be the complicated one."

Sebastian continued to stare in the direction of the door; even in the darkness his eyes could make out so much, sometimes heightened senses were nothing more than a curse. Times like these he wished to be lost in the darkness not able to see a thing before him or beside him for that matter, he wished he could not smell the scent of his master's cologne, or hear the steady beating of his heart. What had happened to the stubborn child he had known, the one that at times had driven him nearly insane; now he was a grown man, a bitter troubled man. It wasn't like he had ever been a happy child, but his anger and loathing had grown worse especially in the year that had passed.

"I am quite simple to figure out my Lord."

"Of course, I mean you are nothing more than a demon, lower than any dog; isn't that what the Death Gods say of your kind? You're lower than any creature on this Earth, I admit I agree with them."

"Then why not make a deal with one of them if I'm so lowly?"

A hard smack across the face made him fully understand how ignorant his comment had been. Ciel took hold of his face forcing him to look him in the eye; he hadn't realized until now that his eye patch was off revealing his purple colored eye with its imprinted pentagram.

"Such harsh words, such arrogance for a bastard to speak. Why did you return to me, why did you even leave in the first place?" He asked raising his voice to a harsh whisper.

"I felt that I needed to leave, I always planned to return."

Ciel released him and stood up from the bed, he moved to stand before the demon.

"I called for you, I begged for you to come to my side; I was even pathetic enough to blame myself for your abandonment."

With each word he became more and more angry, fearful; Sebastian hoped to Hell that deep down there was love, love fueling his rage.

Such a foolish thought.

"It was not your fault my lord, it was a decision I made purely out of selfishness."

"Demons are lonesome creatures, aren't they? Void of emotion and remorse."

"No my lord we are quite capable of emotion." He whispered averting his eyes.

"If that were true wouldn't you have returned when I called the last time, how badly did it hurt when I screamed for you?"

His voice was trembling now, so much hurt and anger; even as a man he was still nothing more than a stubborn child who never got the opportunity to grow up like those around him. Quite sad to think this was a man who had witnessed all those he loved dying around him, some even dying at his own hands; he still had Sebastian, he had his undying love until the day the contract was over.

"What happened that day if I might ask?"

"I'm sure you have been informed."

"I wish to hear it from your lips." He said looking the blue eyed man in the eye.

"A foolish old man from a horrible little company became a pathetic drunkard. He spotted me and dragged me off to an alleyway, he accused me of causing his life to fall to rubbish."

Sebastian watched as the younger man began to slowly unbutton his night gown as he continued his tale.

"He yelled things that hardly made a bit of sense, he was drunk of course so everything he said was just plain ignorance. I told him to get away, I had no time for such foolish behavior; he would not listen, foolish old man he was. I tried to push my way past him, I'll confess that was a bad decision on my part. He stabbed me, quite deep, and dragged the blade before pulling it out."

He stopped right above his navel, a long dark scar marked the man's flesh; it appeared to start low on his side, but worked its way up towards his chest. He stepped closer to the demon allowing him a better look at the mark, another mark with more memories to haunt the blue haired man for what remained of his lifetime. Sebastian slowly reached out his left hand pausing just a second silently questioning if it was alright for him to touch, with no sign of disapproval he placed his gloved hand against the man's skin. He traced his index finger along the curve of the fresh scar.

"I bled out on the street for the longest time and do you know what I said when he stabbed me, what name passed my lips over and over like a psalm while I lost consciousness?"

He knew the answer, oh he knew it so very well, but he didn't want to respond. His chest ached; his entire being ached for so many reasons. Being so close to the man he foolishly loved, seeing his new scar, hearing about what horrors he's been through. He pulled his hand away removing his glove with his teeth, he placed his bare hand against Ciel's body this time feeling the scar better than before. Feeling the uneven bump in his skin where his flesh attempted to fully mend itself, if he went further back he could feel the burned scar on his back, but he did not dare go that far. He felt a bit lost being so close to him, feeling his flesh against his own; he wondered just how sweet it would taste, how bitter his kiss could be.

"Sebastian" He whispered, his voice conveyed very little anger or much of anything for that matter.

The demon glanced up at his master; his eyes were half lidded as he looked down at the black haired demon. He caressed Sebastian's cheek, by an unknown instinct he leaned into the touch; fingers ran back through his soft crow black hair.

"Why didn't you ever come?"

"I wanted to my Lord, believe me when I tell you it hurt; it burned worse than the flames of Hell. I truly did want to come to your side."

"Liar, I hardly ever believe a word you speak to me these days; you speak what others want to hear, show what others want to see. Even this beautiful face and body of yours is nothing more than an illusion, a lie."

"I missed you deeply."

Ciel settled himself upon the demon's lap, Sebastian felt confused and excited by the closeness. He removed his other glove, he placed both hands upon the younger man's bare legs slowly moving them upwards. All the while he waited for repulse and rejection; he recalled the days when he couldn't even consider touching the young man or else a tantrum would be thrown. It was expected of one who had gone through such physical traumas, but none the less every hit and scream had wounded the demon deeply. How could he not understand that under no circumstance Sebastian could ever hurt him?

"So many lies, I almost wish for you to stop talking completely. I'm nothing more than a meal to you." He whispered as he draped his arms over the older man's shoulders.

"You are much more than that my lord."

"Flesh, blood, and a soul; even at this moment you only lust after me in hunger, nothing more."

He longed to kiss him, hold him, and show him just how deeply he loved him; how fully he craved every inch of his being. Yes he hungered after his soul, but he hungered for much more than that.

"You set me up as such a shallow being, almost human."

Strange how Ciel made him feel partially human, foolish and pathetic.

"Do you want me?"

"Yes my Lord"

The younger man smirked, "Then claim me as yours demon."

Sebastian pressed his lips against Ciel's kissing him passionately. He could feel the hunger grow inside of himself, the lust, and the love; he wrapped his arms tightly around the other man pulling his body firmly against his own. He could hear the blue haired man's heart beat quicken, he could taste his pain, his sweet beautiful sorrow. He couldn't help but moan into his mouth as they continued to kiss, couldn't help but shiver at the feeling of those delicate fingers tangling themselves within his black hair. He could feel the hungering demon within himself crawling its way to the surface; begging him to feed, but he pushed the urge deep down the best that he could. He lay the younger man down upon the bed, he broke from the kiss allowing the mortal man to catch his breath. Oh how beautiful he looked, so much like the man in the portraits that had been removed years ago.

"Nothing more than flesh and food to you." He whispered looking into the demon's eyes.

He knew what his eyes looked like at this moment, the glow they held each time he hungered or felt a sudden surge of rage. He couldn't control such things just like he couldn't control his love for this stubborn mortal man that now lay beneath him.

"So much more my Lord, my Ciel." He caressed his master's cheek.

"Take me you pitiful liar, even go so far as to take my soul if you so wish. I need to feel something other than this empty pain, give me something real."

He wrapped a leg around the demon's waist pulling him down closer to him.

So much.

So much he could give him, make him feel.

In one night he could only try to make him feel the love that haunted him for all of this time.


	7. Chapter 7

He spent the night making love to him; he explored every inch of flesh, this was the body, and the voice he wanted to memorize for the rest of his eternity. He wanted these passionate moans and rapturous calls of his names falling from swollen lips, he needed this voice this sound to haunt his mind until the end of times. He wanted the feel of his hot sweat soaked flesh to be the last thing he ever felt in his lifetime; he wanted much more of him than he had so many years ago. So many years...So many years these feelings had grown, had angered and confused him; feelings that had caused him to flee from the young man's side. Feelings that no immortal being should feel; every angel, demon, and Death God he had met in his entirety never felt pure love. Merely lust and attraction, feelings that could come and go, but never stay for long. This was love, this was the feeling they all mocked because for their types it was a thing that just did not exist and yet he was feeling it. He felt it strongly; he felt it in ways that terrified him beyond words. At the end of each session he would hold the younger man, hold the man whose soul he owned; he would hold him in such a protective way as if every being on this dreaded Earth dared to steal away his love.

"How long have you wanted me like this?" His master asked as he stared up at the older man just barely able to make him out in the dimly lit room.

Sebastian's fingers ran through his damp hair pushing it out of his face.

"For longer than you could ever know my Lord."

Ciel gave the smallest of smiles, he nuzzled against the palm of the demon's hand.

"You still left, tell me why you left."

"You would never understand or believe me."

The blue eyed man moved so that he now sat atop the demon, his hands placed upon his chest. Sebastian wondered if the mortal could feel his heart pounding against his chest in this moment; to everything in Heaven and Hell he was gorgeous. The way the moon light shone on his pale skin, the way his mismatched eyes glowed in the darkness of the room, and that saddening question in the forefront of his mind.

"I don't believe much you have to say anyway, so what difference would it make now?" He asked tilting his head to the side as he continued to gaze down at his servant

Sebastian absentmindedly rubbed his fingers against the younger man's hips, to lie was horrible; to tell the truth was worse. For a creature of his kind to be against lying was a joke, demons lied nearly as much as humans. What was the truth and what was a lie? Both could crush or create a life, he had never had the slightest of problem with either. Only ever since the contract with Ciel did he swear to not tell a lie, but lately he could only dance around the truth.

"I want so much more from you than your soul my Lord. Your body, your mind...Your heart." He whispered as he lightly ran his fingertips from the man's cheek down to his chest resting his hand over the place of his heart.

He could feel it, could hear it, and how it was quickening; did he sense it? Couldn't he sense it in the way Sebastian had touched him, had made love to him? Love the word appeared far too often lately and it felt as if it were a curse, a curse that could kill any immortal being.

"What are you saying?"

Sebastian sat up, he wrapped an arm around Ciel's waist holding his body firmly against his own. His breathing quickened as his body pressed against the demon's, such reactions; was it all merely pent up lust for an obedient dog or was it love?

"Say my name, please I must hear it."

A shudder passed through Ciel's body at the urgency in the demon's voice.

"Sebastian, Sebastian"

He repeated the name over and over, his eyes never leaving the servant's; he wrapped his arms around the older man's neck holding onto him.

"I fear the day when I must kill you."

"Why?"

Sebastian buried his face in the crook of his master's neck, couldn't he keep this moment for a lifetime? It pained him to think any day this could end, any day the body he held so closely would be nothing more than another corpse to the pile. In this moment his own existence sickened him to his core, what was this feeling doing to him?

"I don't wish to lose you my Lord, you mean so much to me; more than you're willing to accept or to admit, do I mean as much to you?" He asked pulling away to meet the other man's eyes.

He silently begged for the younger man to know where this was heading.

"Foolish demon, don't tell me you're turning human on me." He said with a teasing smirk.

Sebastian didn't respond, he let the silence grow between them and neither male seemed to mind it much. They kissed and touched like they had been doing all night, if it meant he could keep him forever he would be willing to become a mortal man. Oh how lonely Hell could be.

"Remember when I couldn't touch you without you becoming scared or angry, you used to be so closed up, and scared."

"One tends to fear the touch of another man when you've suffered what I have." Ciel replied looking away from the demon.

Sebastian traced his index finger over the scar, so many scars...

"I've never meant you any harm my Lord, my only purpose has ever been to protect you and to rescue you."

It used to hurt him when he'd go to console or simply touch Ciel and the then young boy would lash out at him. The hate and disgust in that big blue eye, how hard he would hit him, and how loudly he would scream at him. He used to not understand why it had hurt to be rejected by this mortal being, why it shocked him to be hit by a weak child, but now he understood it. To be hurt and considered dangerous by one you were willing to give your life for often hurts you deeply.

"I never knew that, I never figured it mattered much when I'd hit you. Does it matter?" He asked curiously.

"Yes" He replied simply

Ciel caressed the demon's cheek, he kissed him gently.

"Stay with me until morning."

"Are you sure my Lord?"

"Don't make me order such a silly thing." The younger man said smirking.

Sebastian lay down on the bed with Ciel pressed against his side, he kept an arm wrapped protectively around the younger man's waist. The word love hung heavy in his mind and it swelled inside of his aching heart, a word he wished to whisper; to speak out loud in order to give it a real purpose in this world. He wished to speak it to the man who made him feel it, the first being to make him feel it for many lifetimes now; would he even comprehend how important the word was to come from such a creature as Sebastian or would he throw it away?

He closed his eyes sighing heavily, Ciel's head rest upon the demons' chest; could he hear his heart racing? Could he hear the frantic melody it played for him, because of him and him only?

Would he ever care?

"Promise to never leave my side, not again; I don't think I could handle it a third time."

"I swear I will remain by your side for eternity my Lord."

The younger man gave a sad little laugh, he curled his fingers against the other man's chest.

"Not eternity...You will remain loyal to me until the time comes to take what I owe you. You will devour my soul, make me feel the pain of living and dying; torture me for any humiliation and pain I have caused you in these pitiful times you have been forced to play this part."

The words caused him to ache, the man in him hated those words, but the demon only hungered and lusted further at hearing them. He held him closer knowing full well that the mortal in his arms hadn't the slightest clue of the war waging inside of Sebastian's mind. A war that would most likely only end in tragedy.

"Yes...My Lord"


	8. Chapter 8

The following day it was as if nothing at all had taken place the night before. It was to be expected; though a bit curious how two people could share so much passion in one night only for it to be forgotten the morning after. Sebastian had been quite sure to quietly get out of his master's bed, redress, and then return to his own room before the sun rose. He knew it was quite inappropriate for a servant to spend anytime at all in bed with his master, the part he played as butler told him he never should have advanced or accepted the beautiful man's offer of intimacy. The demon in him craved it, he craved his scent and his flavor; he was so unique so high quality. He had gone many years watching this man grow and mature, he had spent the entirety of a year away from him missing him deeply.

He had feared becoming something else, something new; he had feared it when he had begun to feel human. He didn't understand this, he had frozen his heart to such emotions to such urges of care...Seeing Ciel again, seeing the scar marking his beautiful pale flesh made his heart ache; demons were not supposed to be weak like men. They were meant to be strong and capable of burying and butchering such pitiful feelings.

As he went through his day he noticed how he himself couldn't help, but feel odd around his master. Each time that he looked at him he felt a tingle, memories of the night before raced through his mind; he longed to touch him even just run his fingers through his hair. His master though didn't seem to take notice to anything; it truly was as if nothing had taken place between the two of them. Just how was it that a demon was brought to his knees by overwhelming emotions he wished to rip from inside of him, yet Ciel went on calmly casually his heart coated with ice.

He wondered what would come of them by night fall; would his master want him by his side this night or was it just a one time occasion?

How difficult would it be to turn these feelings of love and lust into ones of hatred and hunger?

He had been so starved for so many years, a normal human would be long dead by now; a demon could go hundreds of years without feeding and a demon of Sebastian's stature could go twice as long just so long as he got a soul he deemed worthy of a meal. This one was beyond worthy, so much confusion and anguish and pure hatred; how could a heart filled with so much pain and hatred feel love? It must be impossible.

"Sebastian I wish for you to stay with me tonight."

The two of them were alone in the dining hall; even if they hadn't been Ciel had spoken low enough that nobody could hear other than his butler.

"Yes my Lord"

He had to admit he felt excited at the prospect of repeating the night before. Playing such a game was beyond dangerous, especially when one of the men involved in the game was madly in love; did he know? Did he know that his loyal pet was truly in love with him, willing as usual to give his life for him even without an order?

It wasn't as if it meant anything, his master still didn't trust him; for most the act of such intimacy was a sign of trust, but Ciel was past looking at his body as a temple. To him it was a constant reminder of pain and humiliation, something that would eventually die and rot away like every other living creature on this dreadful planet. Thoughts like that made him love the blue eyed man more than he already did, he craved his pain; he craved every quality and sin that would turn most people away.

For him the night could not come quick enough; he loved to feel him, to whisper to him things that could only be spoken in the cloak of darkness. Words that only lovers would share.


	9. Chapter 9

At the dead of night inside of the darkened room they shared every intimacy one could imagine possible. The way that his master reacted to him, touched, kissed, and begged for him was passionate; there was no possible way that to some degree the blue eyed man did not feel love or something close to the emotion. Sebastian ran his fingers through the younger man's slightly long hair giving a small tug to the ends of it.

"I should really trim this tomorrow morning, it's getting quite long."

"It doesn't matter, does it? I have nobody I need to impress, do I?" He asked tilting his head a bit to the side.

Sebastian placed a kiss against his forehead allowing his lips to linger for a second longer than need be.

"What about Lady Elizabeth, surely she is not very fond of your hair being long."

He knew it was an odd time to mention his master's fiancée, but he was curious; he had not heard her voice, heard her name mentioned, or any sign of the young lady ever since his return. He noticed Ciel pull away, he turned his head to the side looking away from his butler; there was something that he obviously hadn't told him with purpose.

"You needn't worry about her, she won't be coming around anymore; well maybe some day, but not for awhile."

"My Lord?"

He had to admit he was genuinely confused.

"I broke off our engagement." He said giving a small sigh as if he really didn't wish to explain this.

Sebastian's eyes widened slightly in surprise.

"Why would you do such a thing my Lord, isn't it bad for your reputation to do such a thing?"

Ciel finally looked at him, the smallest hint of a smile turning up the corners of his lips.

"Would it not be bad for my reputation to marry a woman I do not love, especially when I care for another?"

He felt an unfamiliar tension in his chest, some strange feeling at hearing the blue eyed man mention that he cared for another person. Who could he care for, he couldn't imagine anyone else and suddenly it seemed nearly impossible for this beautiful young man to care for him.

"Who would that be, my Lord?" He asked trying his best to sound far from interested.

Again the faintest hint of a smile crossed his lips, he wrapped his arms around the demon's neck pulling Sebastian down on top of him. His fingers tangled in the older man's sleek black hair.

"Take a wild guess demon"

Sebastian brushed his lips over Ciel's before pulling back.

"I was under the impression that you deeply despised me."

"You still have never explained to me why you left my side."

He wished to avoid this topic, he knew that it was necessary; he knew that he owed the younger man an explanation as to why he had disappeared on him for such a long period of time. He wanted to explain to him how much it had pained him to leave his side, that he never planned on doing such a thing ever again. Yet the day would come when he would have to take his lover's life, a day he looked forward to many years ago, but now he dreaded it nearly as much as he dreaded the aching in his chest.

"I know I owe you an explanation, but I'm not sure you would care for my reason."

"I really didn't care much for your leaving, I might be less upset if I knew the reason for it."

Something in the tone of his voice was a bit more gentle, he wasn't waiting to yell at him or to tell him to leave the room; he genuinely was curious, he wanted to know why somebody once so loyal could leave so suddenly.

"I did not lie when I told you I grew bored, but that had very little to do with my decision. I have fallen prey to a human emotion that is foreign to my kind, something that makes me feel beyond idiotic and rather angry with myself, I'm sure you will have a good laugh at me for admitting it or perhaps you'll lash out at me."

He pulled away from Ciel's grasp, he couldn't handle being so close to him at this moment. With a few more words the atmosphere could go from peaceful to tense, he surely could go a lifetime or two without confessing to the sin of love.

"Now you truly have me curious, what is it?"

"I believe I've fallen in love with you."

Saying the words out loud gave him a feeling of intense relief as well as a feeling of swelling panic. He kept his eyes on his master's watching and waiting, waiting for the rejection, or the maniacal laughing. The growing silence was bothering him, he had forgotten how uncomfortable it could be to hand your heart to another being especially if they happened to be a human. It to him felt embarrassing, like admitting defeat; the bad part was he knew in this situation it was highly possible this particular human would look at it that way.

"You aren't lying..." Ciel whispered as he continued to stare at the demon.

He sounded surprised and just possibly a bit disappointed.

"I would never lie to you my Lord, especially on a matter such as this one."

"You are an idiot for feeling such a way towards me, I'm nothing but dinner for you. How can you love me?"

It was a decent question, he had been asking himself the same question for far too many years now.

"I'm nothing, every person in my life has either left or been murdered; how is it that you love me, how?"

He sounded angry more so with himself than with the demon, judging and loathing himself over the emotions of another being. Sebastian gently placed his hand upon the younger man's cheek caressing his warm flesh, he was barely surprised when Ciel smacked his hand away.

"Don't, don't touch me; you left me because you're in love with me, such a stupid thing to think let alone say it as a fact. Demons can't love, can they? I want to believe that you're lying, but I know better than that. I thought you were stronger than such foolish emotions, I relied on you to be stronger than this."

"I didn't want to tell you, but after the events of tonight and the previous night I assumed..." His words trailed off, he looked off towards the bedroom window looking out at the night time sky.

It was better this way, was it not? Better to be rejected and ridiculed until he felt sadness and pain, sadness he could eventually turn into hate, and hatred that could turn into a pleasurably numb sensation; this way he would feel not a thing the day he did have to take his master's life, he would simply be another client.

His sorrow was interrupted though when a pair of arms wrapped tightly around his waist, a body pressed firmly against his, and lips pressing against his own in a desperate kiss that took him by surprise. He had been too deep in his own thoughts to notice the younger man move; he was too off guard to react right way. He slowly wrapped his arms around Ciel holding him against his body, he felt something wet against his cheeks; he pulled back and looked down at the younger man realizing that he was crying.

"Are you-"

"Shut up you idiot, I'm not supposed to fall in love with my murderer." He whispered glancing away from the demon.

"Apparently I'm not the only fool here." He gave a small smile, he gently kissed him.

Sebastian's fingertips wiped the tears from his cheek then ran back through his soft hair. He would protect him from every danger in this universe including himself. He lay down on the bed with Ciel against him, his head resting upon his bare chest, and his leg draped over the older mans waist.

"Say it for me again my Lord"

"I will if you agree to call me by name when we're alone."

"Yes my Ciel" He whispered a smile playing on his lips.

"I love you Sebastian"

The words gave him comfort, as much comfort as the body against his giving him additional warmth. He already knew the dangers of loving a human being, there were countless and nearly all of them related to death, but in the mean time he was willing to ignore the outcomes. He was content with right now, even if the man he held in his arms was more than doubtful and resentful of the emotion shared between the two of them. He knew Ciel was a difficult man to love for countless reasons, but he would do it none the less.


	10. Chapter 10

"So does being in love with me pain you so much that you had to stay away for an entire year?" Ciel asked, his fingers ran along the older man's jawline then trailed down along his neck.

"It's quite shameful for a creature such as myself to fall for a mortal being, you surely understand that."

"Why not stay away an entire lifetime then, wait until I'm long dead...Never mind; I'm still your dinner, are you sure you even know what love is?"

"Sadly I'm very sure I know this feeling, I've felt it before; promise me you will not leave, it hurt to feel you in so much pain." He whispered as he placed his hand against the scar marking the blue eyed man's side.

Each night the two men retired to Ciel's bedroom where they lived in their private little world. He could still sense the tension and betrayal coming from his master, it was understandable; he didn't even trust himself anymore.

"I still loathe you for that, I still wait for you to leave once more; what made you return to me?"

"My last love ended with me finding her lying dead on our bed all because I had left her side, I feared I would find you in a similar state; I had to come back to see if you were still alive or if I would soon lose you. I had planned on returning, we have a contract; I knew you would be quite disappointed if I ignored it."

Ciel kissed the older man almost as if he wished to comfort him.

"So you have been in love, how long ago was that?"

"Many years before your time, I had hoped I'd never feel love again after that. I should damn you for making me feel such a way, do you hate that you love me as much as I hate that I love you?"

"Passionately; a nobleman in love with his butler, a mortal in love with a conniving demon. Nothing about this is right, even if it was all in the name of lust it is quite obscene. Love weakens every being living and otherwise, I refuse to be weak; I refuse to allow you to be weak. Will you still hold true to your word when the time comes?"

The younger man sat upon the demon's lap, his fingers tangled in his hair, and his face merely inches away from Sebastian's. The butler's hands held firmly to his master's hips, his fingers rubbing over his soft flesh.

"Yes I will still hold true to my word, despite my feelings for you."

He had never told a lie before, it felt so odd to tell one now after all of these years. The satisfied look in Ciel's eye told him his lover believed him, he felt the tiniest bit of guilt for lying to him, but it couldn't be helped. He couldn't imagine how angry and betrayed the younger male would feel if he knew the truth. There was no way in the very depths of Hell that Sebastian could kill him, not now; at one point in time he dreamed of the ways he could kill him, as time went on he thought of kinder ways to carry out the act, and now he almost had himself fooled into thinking the man sitting atop him could never grow old and die.

"Did you try to not love me?"

"For an entire year's time, it did nothing but make me long for you more." Sebastian replied.

He loved this man more than he knew was right or healthy, it would be his damnation to love somebody this strongly. He had attempted to stop, it was a possibility he could have tried harder, but now he was at the point of no return. The moment his lips pressed against Ciel's in a passionate kiss all thoughts and concerns faded from his mind, the fingers in his hair tightened their grip giving a small tug. He couldn't help but moan at the sensation, his tongue invaded the younger man's mouth tasting him; he moved them so that Ciel now lay beneath him, the noble's left leg wrapped around his waist pulling his lower half down against him. He could spend night after night this way, with those slender legs wrapped around him, that blue eye filled with lust staring up at him, and the feel of those lush lips pressed against his own. His hands roamed over the other man's body, caressing and lightly scratching at every spot that was available, his fingers traced every scar that only added to the blue haired man's beauty. Sebastian kissed along his neck his sharpened teeth grazing over his skin, he could hear his quickened heart beat, and his labored breaths. For a man with such a death wish he seemed to be so alive in these moments.

"Sebastian" His voice a breathy moan, the demon's name a desperate plea falling from swollen lips.

"What is your wish my Lord?" He whispered against his neck his warm breath tickling his lover's skin sending a shiver down his spine.

"I love you, I want you to take me and mark me as yours."

So much more confidence with his last words, his voice steadier, but lust laced each letter. Sebastian nipped at his neck stirring another moan from the other man, he moved back to his lips kissing him roughly. Nails dug into his back dragging downwards leaving light red welts in their path, he loved when his master could be forward and rough with him. This was a body he could spend centuries worshiping, these were moans he could listen to for lifetimes; he wished the bites and scratches Ciel left on him would last forever. He loved his master, he loved him more than he imagined he could love a human, and how that terrified him. He knew it scared the younger man, he could feel it, but they continued on testing where this could lead. He wished the roles were different and the times were more advanced, he wished they were in a state of place where their relations with one another could be more open and less secretive.

"I would destroy Heaven and Hell all for you my love."

He meant it, he would defy every God and demon just for the sake of the mortal man he loved so deeply. He would spend his nights gaining back his trust asking for forgiveness, making love to him, and falling asleep with the younger man in his arms.


	11. Chapter 11

In the recent days he had noticed a change in his master; the blue eyed man requested him to come to his room less and less, he was also back to doing nearly everything for himself. He constantly denied help from the butler, he seemed slightly disgusted by the demon; he noticed how the human could hardly look him in the eye when he spoke to him or gave him an order. He would have questioned him on it, but he never got the chance to do such a thing. There never was a lot of time, Ciel would leave the room or demand Sebastian to leave the room. He couldn't think of why there was such a sudden change, he had to admit it frustrated him. It was something he despised about humans, how they could just change moods or treat you kindly one moment then the next they hated you. There were plenty of demons who could turn on you, but demons were demons and you should always assume they could do things such as that. This game of avoidance and tension stretched on for nearly three weeks; it bothered him, there were times where he could sense depression and confusion coming from the younger man. He was shying away from everybody and everything, caving in on himself; he hadn't seen him do such things since the day they made the contract and even then there'd been fight in him. Now he seemed drained, it worried him that Ciel could be losing the traits he had found intriguing.

That didn't mean he would leave again or betray him, if anything he wanted to do something for him. There wasn't much he could do if he wasn't wanted, he knew forcing Ciel to speak to him or to try and make him snap out of it were bad ways to go about this. So he decided to leave it, he hoped it was just a passing phase that would reach its end soon.

Late one night as he was finishing his rounds and after his master had disappeared for the night he walked past one of the rooms. He heard a crashing sound followed by mumbled cursing, he quickly entered the darkened room lit only by a single candle sitting on the corner of the desk Ciel normally worked at. Behind the desk stood Ciel, he was mumbling to himself, a bottle lay on the table top its alcoholic contents spilling over the wooden desk. Sebastian quietly shut the door behind him and made his way over to the younger man. He picked up the bottle sitting it up right and moving it away from the younger man silently telling him he most likely had had enough. Ciel looked up at him, he gave a bit of a smirk as he looked up at the demon; it was the most eye contact they had held for weeks now.

"Why are you in here?" He asked his words slightly slurred.

Sebastian enjoyed alcohol, he enjoyed most substances and sins that humans overly abused. The sight of a drunken human was something that got on his nerves and occasionally sickened him, it certainly was something he thought his own master was above. He couldn't recall the blue eyed man ever enjoying alcohol to any extent, but here he was as pathetic as any drunkard in the whole of London.

"I could ask the same of you, since when do you indulge yourself so heavily?"

Ciel reached across the desk grabbing the bottle, he held it close to his chest as if to guard it from the demon. He took a long drink then sat it back down.

"I'm an adult aren't I, I can do as I please."

"It'll only shorten your life span, it isn't quite good for your image either."

Ciel laughed, the sound was sad.

"My image is wrecked and has been ever since my father died and my life, don't you recall you should have taken that years ago."

Sebastian watched as the younger man walked out from behind the desk, he kept one hand on the desk top as if to keep himself from falling over. The demon wasn't sure if this disgusted him or saddened him more; he was still figuring out where all of this was coming from.

"Things change my Lord"

"Right things change, you abandon me every time I need you the most. You leave me for a bloody year all because you think you might love me, when I finally get myself to stop thinking about you and your damned face then you walk in here like nothing happened. Things change, life changes constantly...I've been thinking these past weeks." The younger man trailed off looking towards the door for a moment as if he expected somebody to interrupt them.

He turned his attention back on the demon, Sebastian wanted to tell him to go back to bed; tell him this wasn't the right time for him to be talking. Anything said or done that night would be regretted or forgotten by morning, but damage would already be done.

"You've been behaving strangely lately"

Another smirk

"Strangely...I guess you could call it that, you're rather dense when it comes to human emotions aren't you? I'm glad that you're here right now."

Again he paused this time looking down towards the floor.

"Demons were once angels, we are quite capable of feeling. We just try to keep a better control over our emotions unlike humans."

"Right, you're so much stronger and better than us; we're filth, filth that you eat to live. That's why I wanted you in here, I've been thinking; I've been thinking a lot about our contract and I realized how, how I've lost my rage. As far as I can see our deal is up, you should get your payment."

He met the demon's eyes again.

This time Sebastian was the one who wanted to look away, he had known this would lead nowhere good. Humans did the most idiotic things when they were intoxicated.

"What are you going on about?"

"Kill me, it's simple"

Sebastian let out a heavy sigh, he averted his eyes from the younger man no longer able to really look at him now.

"Don't be ridiculous, I think you should lie down before you make anymore idiotic suggestions."

Ciel placed his hands against the older man's chest and shoved him back against the desk, he curled his fingers into the fabric of his white dress shirt; his blue eye was locked on the demon, he looked angry and frustrated. Apparently not all of his anger and rage had disappeared, he held plenty at the moment.

"Why won't you kill me, I want to die"

"You just think that you do."

"Sebastian this is an order; kill me, eat my soul!" He yelled his voice sounded desperate.

His body shook slightly as he continued to glare up at the demon, Sebastian felt the urge to act on the command. He felt the demonic hunger inside of him, that animalistic part of him that would always want to feed. He fought it, he managed to even retain the steady crimson color of his eyes as he stared down at the desperate man.

"I can't do that"

Ciel let out a frustrated growl, he smacked the other man hard across the face.

"Damn it why won't you kill me? I want to die, I'm not supposed to be alive; you bastard you told me it wouldn't change anything!"

His voice echoed through the room, he wondered if anybody could hear his angered yells.

"I lied, I can't do it"

"You're useless, you're utterly useless; I told you to never leave, to never lie, and to never betray me. Three simple things and you can't keep your word, if you won't do it then I can take my own life."

He moved away from the demon and went back around the desk, he began pulling open drawers throwing out papers until he found a knife he had been keeping hidden just in case he was attacked while Sebastian wasn't close by. He barely had time to point the blade towards himself, Sebastian grabbed him by the wrist hard enough to make him drop the knife. He slammed Ciel back against the wall holding both wrists so the younger man couldn't hit or slap him in retaliation.

"Stop this, I will not kill you, and I'm not going to allow you to take your own life. You're in no state to make such decisions, if you wish to end the contract then go ahead and do so, I refuse to kill you."

Ciel struggled against him for a moment, but then gave up; once the butler was sure the younger man wouldn't attack him he released his hold on him.

"I hate you, but I don't want you to leave me; never leave me."

He leaned against the older man burying his face in the crook of his neck, Sebastian wrapped an arm around his waist holding him closely.

For now everything would be fine, they would stay like that for awhile until the younger man would finally admit he wanted to go to sleep. He would stay and watch over him whether Ciel wished for him to do so or not, he would probably end up sharing a bed with his master. He knew in the future it was possible a time like this would arise, but the next time he knew that Ciel would not be intoxicated and he would be willing to cut the contract all because the demon didn't have the courage to take his life.


	12. Chapter 12

He knew that his master was upset with him as well as embarrassed about the events the night before. He felt they should talk about what had occurred, he still worried that the younger male wanted to cause harm to himself. He hardly realized how much more closely he watched and followed Ciel through out the day, they both knew the reason why. He didn't want to see him physically harmed ever again, even by his own hand; he just wasn't quite sure how to handle a situation like this. He had come across many suicide victims and people hell bent on self destruction, but as a demon he wasn't exactly prone to stop them. It aggravated him seeing the man he loved being this way, wanting to hurt himself, because Sebastian wouldn't do it for him. He felt that anything he could say would only make it worse, he hadn't the slightest clue how to make things better. It seemed not very long ago that he desperately craved Ciel's misery, he wanted him to be in mental pain; he wanted him to ache and hate as much as a human possibly could. Even now the demon, the killer, and beast within himself craved it but that part of him that was ever slowly feeling more and more human made him want to take away the pain. He knew death would take away the pain, but he couldn't any longer tolerate the idea of his master dying. He wouldn't lose another person to ignorance or hunger, he didn't want to lose Ciel no matter how much the younger man fought against him.

After night fall Ciel requested the butler accompany him outside and through the garden. It was an odd request, especially considering how late the time was, but he knew that when they were alone after dark then they could speak to each other more freely.

As they walked they walked in silence, they came to a bench in the center of the garden; Ciel took a seat and gestured for the demon to sit next to him.

"Why did you want to come out here?" Sebastian asked breaking the silence, his voice was quiet as if speaking above a whisper somebody may hear him.

"I get tired of being inside, this is a change, and I need to talk with you."

"About what my Lord?"

"Last night was something I did not wish for you to witness to begin with."

He knew the other man was embarrassed, he had been in a state that was odd for him.

"Secondly I want to know why you denied an order."

"You were drunk and you would have regretted such a foolish decision."

"Damn it! It isn't for you to decide, I own you until our deal is done. I told you to take my life, my mind hasn't changed."

Sebastian had a difficult time looking at him, seeing the pain in his eye.

"I can't go through with it, even if it means going against our contract."

"Stupid bastard, why is it everybody has to deny me happiness?"

"I more than anyone in this dreadful realm wish to see you happy."

The demon gently brushed his fingers against the blue eyed man's cheek, he would do anything to see him smile. Not in a million lifetimes could he imagine wishing to see this mortal man happy, but how he wished for it now.

"Then kill me" He said meeting the demon's eyes.

For the first time since her death he felt as if he could cry, he felt a tightening in his chest. He moved closer to the earl, he placed a hand on the back of his neck his fingers rubbing over his skin. He pressed his lips against Ciel's kissing him gently.

"I can't, forgive me"

Ciel leaned against the demon resting his head against his shoulder, Sebastian wrapped an arm around him holding his body close to his own. He placed a kiss against the top of the younger man's head.

"Tell me more about her, the woman before me."

Sebastian let out a heavy sigh.

"Are you sure?"

"Is it that painful for you?" He asked curiously

"Her name was Madeline; believe it or not I was much younger then, many years before your time. I was in the country with a fleet of other demons, there was a war and we were raising Hell. Back then I didn't make contracts, I hunted, stalked, tortured, and killed; she caught my interest. A beautiful young woman who lived in a small cottage, she seemed so fragile like even a touch would break her. Something while I stalked her changed, the more I saw of her even from afar the more I felt something for her. I became stupid and she caught me, surprisingly enough we talked; she found me charming and handsome. I found her hypnotic and fascinating, she even found out what I truly was and she still cared for me. I spent a long time by her side, I told her I would never allow harm to come her way, but I was young and being young I was stupid. I left her side to go join some others, we were raiding a village to feed and steal, when I returned I found her dead. Some men had broken in, found her a woman alone, over powered her, and murdered her. I promised I wouldn't let anybody harm her, I swore I wouldn't give a damn about anybody after her."

The images would never leave his mind, he could remember her so vividly; vividly enough that it brought him pain to think of her. He felt Ciel's breath against the side of his neck, his lips brushing against his skin.

"I'm sorry, it isn't your fault she died though."

"I keep telling myself that, but with what's happened with you I keep thinking I could have prevented both situations."

"I'm still here, our situation is much different than what you had with her."

"I never wish to lose you"

Ciel pulled away and looked up at the other man.

"Loving me is dangerous, you should know better."

"I enjoy danger, you're an interesting challenge...You always have been, I've known you longer than any other mortal in this world."

Ciel smirked

"Are you really willing to be with me, it's horrible loving a human being."

Sebastian kissed him again this time with more passion, his fingers tangling in the other man's hair.

"I'm much more than willing"

"Even when I grow old and lose my looks?"

"I'm not vain, I love much more than your beauty; I would light this world on fire to make you smile. I would defy Hell and destroy Heaven, I'd even give you the moon."

The younger man gave a bit of a laugh before kissing Sebastian, his arms wrapping around the demon's neck; he pressed himself against the other man moving so that he now sat upon his lap.

"Very cliche I must say"

He removed the patch from Ciel's eye dropping it to the ground, he stared into his mismatched eyes. He loved him so deeply, every emotion involved in love was so conflicting. Loving somebody like Ciel made it all the more complicated; someone who could push him away then hold him closely, somebody who did everything to prevent his own death but then would do everything to cause it. He wanted this man, he wanted to love him, and keep him for eternity.

"I love you"

The younger man gave a sad little smile at hearing the words.

"I still don't know what I want; I think that is part of the reason I wish to die lately. At least in death there's security, living and feeling is far too difficult."

"Isn't there a way I can make living easier for you?"

Ciel kissed him softly.

"Don't leave and don't tell me what you think I wish to hear, only the truth."

There was a slight peace sitting outside in the dead of night, sitting there with the man he loved on his lap and in his arms. He could protect him like this, keep him from being hurt by every evil in the world except for the evils inside of his own mind.

"I promise, I won't ever hurt you again."

Ciel leaned against him, his head resting against the demon's chest. He wondered what it would be like if the roles were gone; if they didn't have to spend the hours of the day playing master and servant, what if they could just spend their days as lovers?

As a demon especially one in his position it was shameful to be in this situation, in love with a mortal being, but he couldn't help it. He was willing to break the social codes of demons to be with him, he needed to be by his side for as long as was possible.


	13. Chapter 13

Ciel's P.O.V.

One Year Later:

Ciel Phantomhive was supposed to die many years ago, he was supposed to die in his early teenage years. Death was supposed to come and take him, it would have been glorious, blissful, and then nothing. He dreamed about it, he accepted it, and very rarely feared the idea of it; thinking back it was saddening that such a young child would crave the feel of death so badly, but he had been a child who endured so much. Now at eighteen years old he could only resent the world; his plan had not gone the way that it should have. The one who killed his parents and burned his home had not destroyed him, the ones who held him imprisoned had not killed him, his demon had never devoured his soul, and the man with the knife in the alleyway hadn't stabbed deeply enough. He had scars both in the physical and the mental, they only added one on top of the other, but never leading him to that blissful darkness that he dreamed of. His demon would not kill him, could not kill him because of his own faulty pathetically human emotions. He did attempt several times last year to take his own life, but Sebastian refused to let him go; refused to leave him to himself until Ciel began to act less depressive. Most people would possibly feel comforted being this loved, having somebody who would literally give their lives for you, but Ciel only saw it as a curse. He loved the demon, he always had; his demon was the angel of mercy meant to bring his life to an end, he was his protector, and his greatest weapon. He'd been his only friend and the only being he could trust for so many years until he had disappeared without a word only to return and confess his affections for the earl. He felt it was a curse to have this powerful demon love him, this beautiful darkly immaculate man; this creature not of this world. He often pondered what life would have been like if his parents had not been murdered, if he had not come from a long line of foolish young men making deals with Demons and Reapers in order to seek and obtain power and revenge.

He imagined that he would have had a happy childhood; his loving parents, his aunt would have lived. He would have been a mentally and emotionally stable young adult who would have been able to return Elizabeth's love. They would have married and had children of their own, he would have grown old and died of natural causes at the end of a beautiful but dull average life.

He smiled; it sounded boring.

No this version of his life was much more intricate, interesting, and aged his mind and soul far beyond his young body. He just wanted his story to end, that was all that he wished and each time he begged that of his demon he could see the conflicted, confused pain in those red eyes. In a way he felt bad for him, felt bad that he was the cause of the demon's emotional conflict. He still occasionally hated the beast, hated how much he wanted his company, craved his touch, and the feel of hot breath against his bare flesh. He craved him, needed him, and God damn him for it; he loved him.

That was why he was here now, in this horrible area full of people he knew hated him. This small area of London full of people he had sent to jail, ruined their lives and the lives of their loved ones. People who watched him as he walked among them; they watched him with wide angry eyes wondering just how dare he cross their paths. It hadn't taken very long for two men to confront him, two men he vaguely remembered, but they remembered him very well. He was grateful it hadn't taken long, he knew soon Sebastian would notice he was gone, and he would come to find him a task that would take no time at all. Yes he felt a bit guilty doing it this way, but if the demon wouldn't and he couldn't do it himself then this was his only choice.

He taunted and insulted the two men; one grabbed him pinning his arms behind his back expecting that he would struggle, but he did not. The other hit and kicked him while screaming at him for ruining his life and taking his family away from him. Ciel stood there smiling occasionally laughing at each hit and kick, his laughter only angered the man further. Before long there was a gun pointed right at his heart, the man asked him to beg, to beg for forgiveness, but he only spit at the man's feet and told him to rot in Hell.

Being shot hurt, he knew that, but this hurt much more. A sharp pain that quickly spider webbed into a burning pain all through his chest. His breathing labored, he could taste blood in his mouth, his arms were numb, and his breathing quickly became shallow. The man holding him released him allowing him to drop to the ground. The men stood around him making sure he was dead; Ciel did his best to die quietly. Tried to remain there lifelessly on the ground, but as the darkness crept he felt his marked eye burn and he could feel the name welling up in his throat.

"S-Sebastian"

A dying whisper was the man's name falling from his bloodied lips.

He gave a weak little smile when the world grew even darker, not the darkness of his impending death, but the darkness of Hell. The darkness of his demon coming to his aid; Sebastian hardly looked like he normally did, no this was different. This was the real him and he was so horrifically beautiful.

Before him, behind the two men who stood still staring down at Ciel stood a tall looming figure; large tattered black wings sprouting from its back, the creature's skin was as white as snow, his body was clad in black clothing, his feet clad in black boots with long pointed heels, his eyes glowed brightly, a mouth pulled into a snarl showing rows of razor sharp teeth, and clawed fingers wrapped around the throats of the men. Their eyes bulged and they opened their mouths to scream, but claws pierced their skin ripping away flesh; the demon dropped the bodies to the ground. He moved closer to the dying man, the man he had considered his lover for what seemed like centuries. He knelt before the man cradling his head in his clawed hand, something in his eyes changed. The rage was gone, the snarl was gone; he looked ashamed, scared, confused, and so lost like he couldn't understand this. Ciel could only laugh, it came out weak and turned into a coughing fit as blood spilled from his drying lips. He felt cold, light headed, and sick; life faded from him and the last thing he saw was that immaculate face of the demon who could never take his life.


	14. Chapter 14

Sebastian's P.O.V.

He sat in the corner of the bedroom his eyes set on the figure lying motionlessly on the bed. It had been nearly one day since what had happened, he knew soon the younger man would wake. He knew Ciel would be angry, much more than angry, and there was a high possibility that the younger man would hate him with a new burning passion. Sebastian didn't know what he could have done, that was a lie; he should have done what he was contracted to do, what his species did best. He should have eaten the dying man's soul, he shouldn't have revealed his true form to his young master. He couldn't help it though; he couldn't control it when he had felt that familiar burning in his marked hand, couldn't help it when he had gone to his master's side to see him lying there only seconds away from death. The demon had come out, not because of hunger, but because of desperate rage. He had allowed two humans he had foolishly fallen in love with to die, he couldn't help it...He couldn't control it, after Ciel's killers had been taken care of he had approached the dying man. The look on his pale blood stained face was almost serene; a small smile playing on his bloodied lips. He didn't fear the demon, didn't fear the winged beast that knelt down at his side and cradled his dying body in his arms. If he hadn't been near death then Sebastian would have yelled at him, shaken him, and cured him for being so stupid. He should have done what demons were made to do.

Yet he did not.

The figure on the bed stirred, a weak groan emitting from Ciel's lips.

Soon he would wake and soon all Hell would break loose. It was rare for a human to be turned into a demon, nearly as rare as it was for a demon to fall in love with a human. He hadn't known what else to do, in a way his thoughtless action had damned the blue eyed man. He was damning him to immortality, damning him to a life that he did not wish to live. He knew his partner craved death, but he also thought that he was getting better; a lovely naive little lie they both convinced themselves of. Sebastian knew that Ciel hadn't truly been happy, known that he very much still wanted to be killed, but he was faking it for Sebastian's sake. He knew something would happen, but he didn't want to believe it, because some part of him...That stupid pathetic part of him that was so very human, his damned heart told him to ignore it. Told him to believe he was enough to keep Ciel from wanting to die, told him the right thing to do was to bring the human man back to life whether or not it was what he wished for.

"Sebastian" The weak voice whispered.

Whispered just like before he had died, his name sounded so sweet coming from his lover's lips.

The demon made his way to the bed, he sat on the side and looked down at the younger man. Ciel's eyes were open, both showing a deep red much like the eyes of the butler. Sebastian took Ciel's left hand giving a gentle squeeze.

"I was dead"

It wasn't a question or a confused thought, but a stated fact.

"Nonsense"

Sebastian rose from the bed, he stepped away because he knew how quickly things would turn. After a moment Ciel got up from the bed just barely steady on his feet. His eyes met the demon's before turning downwards to look at his own form; he was still dressed in his clothes from before, the clothes splattered in blood. He ran his black nailed fingers along them then clutched his hands into tight fists, his teeth gritted together and his eyes locked with the older man's.

"You filthy bastard, tell me what you did!" He yelled

He advanced on the other man, shoved him back against the wall.

"What do you mean?"

His voice was calm, bemused only to hide his guilt.

Ciel hit him hard across the face.

"I was dead, you came, and I died." His voice came out a harsh whisper, his red eyes glowed with hatred.

"Are you sure it was not a dream?"

"Stop treating me as if I'm a moronic child, I'm not some idiot!"

He pulled Sebastian away from the wall and shoved him to the floor, when the butler attempted to get up the younger man kicked him hard in the stomach knocking him back to the ground. Ciel climbed on top of him straddling his lap, his fingers curled in the material of the older man's white dress shirt.

"Does this look like a dream? I died, you were supposed to take your payment!"

Sebastian looked away.

"I couldn't do it my Lord"

"What have I done to deserve this, I asked you for one thing and you do this to me. I was supposed to die, I wanted to die, and you ruined it. You bastard!" His voice cracked and wavered, his eyes wide and crazed.

He was scared, he wanted to wake up from his awful nightmare and Sebastian couldn't blame him. He longed to hold him, to apologize, and tell him that he wasn't good with losing those he chose to love.

"It was my own greed, it was nothing you had done."

"I just wanted to die, I can't believe you would do this to me; so many years I just wanted to end this terrible hell."

Sebastian cautiously placed his right hand against the other man's cheek. He expected to be hit, to have his hand swatted away, but the man atop him stilled and stared down at him his eyes calming if only the tiniest bit.

"I couldn't let you go, I'm so very sorry."

Ciel let out a shaky laugh, he leaned his forehead against the older demon's chest as he continued to laugh.

"This is so insane, only I could end up this way. It's my fault for saying your name, I tried not to, but I did. I hoped I could die without you knowing, without you doing something to keep it from happening. I never thought you would do something this severely stupid."

His laughter ceased, his body trembled slightly; he remained with his face buried against the other man's chest, his fingers still curled in his shirt.

"I didn't mean for you to see my true form, it's unsightly."

Ciel looked up at the older demon.

"I believed it more to be horrifically beautiful, I was content with that being the last image my eyes would see before death would take me. Is that why you did this to me?"

Sebastian shook his head, he ran his fingers through the younger man's blue hair.

"I couldn't lose another person I love, especially to something I could prevent."

Ciel let out a heavy sigh.

"I want to die, this was my decision and you have no right to prevent it."

He knew, but he couldn't understand allowing the man he loved to die.

"I need you by my side, you've caused me to feel in a way I haven't felt for so long. Immortality is so terrible when you're alone."

"So you decided to make me lonely?" The younger man questioned.

Sebastian smiled slightly, he trailed his fingers along the other man's jawline.

"I'm with you for eternity, therefore you are not alone."

"Idiot" Ciel whispered

The older demon wrapped an arm around Ciel's waist, his other hand was on the back of his master's head; his fingers running through his hair. They remained silent for some time, the younger demon's body was relaxed against his; he could feel his breath against the bared skin of his throat. This was not what Ciel had wanted and not what Sebastian had planned, he wondered if they could work through it, and if the blue eyed man could accept being by his side. If he could accept a life as such a creature crossed between human and demonic. He had eternity to make up for all of his mistakes that had been made.

He planned on spending a lifetime making it up to the man he currently held in his arms.

The End.


End file.
